Ice Cold Kindness?

   The same guard who threatened my life, if I requested to come out of my cell for “recreation” on his work shift, (because of my crimes against children) has been passing out the daily single scoop of ice to each prisoner on the tier lately. We get one scoop a day, which I genuinely appreciate since it allows me to save one of the 8 oz. skim milks we get each day for breakfast, and drink it cold either with lunch or later in the evening with some saved bran cereal. But, when I saw that “He-man” (not quite sure his real name) was passing out the ice ration I thought, “So much for the cold milk.”

   This is the same federal prison guard who told me he’d kill my family if he knew where they lived and fuck me in the ass (see “Walla Walla Flashback”). He also frequently refused to even just open the food slot for my cell during meals, making the other guards do it instead even when it was his job to open the slots while other guards passed the trays through. So I really wasn’t expecting him to open my food slot and offer me a scoop of ice; but he did! And, he has been scooping ice for me, without comment or prejudice apparent, for a couple of weeks now. Not only that, but the other day he even passed “cell phone” to me from another prisoner when all the guards from the precious shift had refused to do so (see “Phone Privileges”).

   And today, just moments ago, as I stood at my cell door with “ice bucket” (a clean wastepaper can) in hand awaiting my daily ration of frozen water, I watched as he not only scooped up my ice, but went back with the scoop and topped it off to make sure it was as full as possible! He didn’t even do that for the prisoner who got ice just before me!

   I honestly thought that the only reason I’d been getting any ice from this guard at all was because he was trying to alleviate any damage he might have done to his professional reputation with the overt threats and subsequent refusals to do his job opening my slot for meals. But, if that were the case, then why would he so nonchalantly take the extra measure of tapping off the scoop of ice for a prisoner he once refused to even feed?

   Has he changed his opinion of me for some reason? Or, has he simply grown up enough to realize that he is a “professional” after all, and his personal feelings have no place at work? That would be amazing, but not impossible. Or maybe he has just pushed me so far out of his mind, and out of his reality, that I don’t even exist for him as an individual anymore (that’s my preferred solution for people I have to be around that I really can’t stand --- it might not be mentally “healthy”, but it works great if you can do it). In that case then maybe he was just topping off the scoop absent-mindedly, and had no specific thoughts or feelings about me whatsoever.

   Of course, the most likely explanation for this guard’s apparent kindness is, “none of the above”. Whatever the answer is I’ll probably never know. I can’t just ask him; out world isn’t anywhere near being so mature that it would allow such open and honest communication between socially established adversaries. He probably couldn’t tell me the real reason if he wanted to; he mightn’t know how. Or, maybe HE doesn’t even know. Anything is possible, even ice cold kindness.

[J.D. - September 3, 2014]